I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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