dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
