He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
