So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's shark week go big or go home
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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