I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
