I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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