I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
