I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize