how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
