The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
