You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Randomize
