My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
