can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
this hospital has no fireball
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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