Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
