it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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