Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
