So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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