Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize