She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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