I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
