my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize