She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
