Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
