dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I can't turn off my feet"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
