Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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