So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We left an ass print on the piano.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My vagina is officially offended.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
