she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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