Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
