yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
