When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
