im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
a search helicopter?!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
