Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
