Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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