Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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