Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
