i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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