i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Randomize