The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize