Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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