you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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