This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
