I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize