Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
