I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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