I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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