Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
