When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
