Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
