i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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