you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
