i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
