im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
