i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
