My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
