You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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