I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is classic penis vs brain.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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