Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
