I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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